Hi peeps! I’ve been MIA for almost two weeks and you might or might not understand the reasoning…
When I started college, in the fall of 2014, I was also working two part-time jobs. As fall semester went on one of my part-time jobs became a full-time job and I was managing myself well enough. Since that first semester, I have not taken a semester off or worked less than two jobs at a time.
With that being said, this summer I decided that the only thing school related I was going to do was my study abroad trip. I also decided to only work one part-time job.
And I did this because I decided, for the first time in my life, that I’m important.
The reason I said you might or might not understand why I haven’t posted is because it is really hard to explain the state of my mental health. I think that it’s hard for anyone who has dealt with depression, self-esteem issues, anxiety, etc, etc, etc to truly try to explain what is going on in their brain. It’s especially hard, once you’ve decided to take charge of your mental state, to describe the steps you’re taking to better yourself because it makes you sound selfish… Or at least I think it makes me sound selfish.
I grew up pretty emotionally stunted. My mother is a funeral director and if that doesn’t tell you anything I don’t know what would. She was a young mom who was determined to get her family out of poverty, I respect the f*ck out of my mother but I didn’t have a picture perfect childhood. My mother was spread way too thin for most of my life… There’s nothing I would change about the way I grew up, because it made me who I am today, but it made me have a lot of trust issues, a pretty low self esteem, and a penchant to be independent.
I don’t know how not to be busy. I realized a few months ago that I need to stop spreading myself too thin. I need to stop making decisions based on what everyone else is expecting.
I have to start taking my needs into consideration. And not just school or money, but taking time to do what I want to do. Cook real food. Go shopping. Sit by the pool. Work out. Take the dogs for a walk. Read books for pleasure not necessarily for education.
So, this summer I’m taking my mental health into consideration first. I think that there is a certain amount of stress that is necessary to get sh*t done, sure, but I’m not going to put myself in a pressure cooker anymore.
I thought about writing this post because I think that mental health is not just a huge part of college but it’s a huge part of life and the more I considered going on this journey the more support I looked for… I was surprised to find a considerable amount of fluffy blog posts about positive thinking and how working out fixed everything, or it went the other way and the person was super self-deprecating and discounted everything they tried.
Writing about mental health is weird for me but it’s recently become a big part of my life. I know this post is kind of all over the place and convoluted but this is what it is and hopefully finally posting it will help me past the writer’s block I’ve had the past two weeks.
Team Santana 